2025-03-07 - 9:35 a.m.

It's probably worth noting what I'm so afraid of.

And it's hard to put into words.

I'm afraid of disappointing people.

I'm afraid of negative feedback.

I'm afraid of someone being upset or angry with me.

I'm afraid of being accused, of being thought negatively of.

And even though I am legitimately sick and people are allowed to cancel events when they are sick, I still feel an intense sense of guilt.

I'm wondering if it edges into shame.

Shame is for who you are.

Guilt is for what you do.

I am not the kind of person who reneges on my responsibilities.

I am the kind of person who goes through hell or high water to live up to them.

And maybe that's not the healthiest thing to do.

So yeah, trying to dig down into the source of this intense discomfort and this fear.

And there at the bottom is, I don't want to inconvenience other people.

I would far rather inconvenience myself.

To the point of pushing myself too far perhaps.

And I don't want people to say, "Oh, she's difficult.

She canceled at the last minute without giving us enough time."

I do feel guilty for not emailing earlier, but I would still with all of this shit.

So yeah, that's where we are.

I feel bad.

I think I will cancel.

But it is very, very difficult and I am dreading even checking my email because of the fact that I will have disappointed people.

And that is a huge trigger for me.

�